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Toyin & Dami

How we met: Dami
We met at a wedding. Typical. But there was nothing typical about her. We were seated at the same table and the emcee kept picking on her. He used her for his joke-telling. One time, he came to the table and said, ‘Aunty, una get Philip iron for house?’ Of course, she did not respond. Then he said, ‘If una no get am, go buy am use straighten that your face. E too strong. Ahahn!’
Some people thought it was funny, but I was just extremely pissed. The thing is; I know bullying when I see it (even when it’s clothed in an over-sized suit jacket and gets paid to tell horrible jokes).
Since I was seated next to her, I whispered, ‘He’s an asshole. Hope it didn’t get to you’. She flashed me a smile and said, ‘I think I feel more of pity for him. The struggle to be funny is very real. Don’t you think so?’ I laughed and thought she was very cool, so I pushed for further conversation. But it seemed like she went back into some shell. I took that as a sign that she needed to be left alone.
Then, suddenly, she turned to me and said, ‘If you don’t mind, I’m doing an article and I’d like to know your opinion.’ She waited and I gave an encouraging nod. Then she said, ‘Power, money and influence. You’re to choose one. Which one would you choose and why?’
Contrary to what I had portrayed myself to be earlier, I actually do not like to talk a lot. Small talk – okay. Long analysis and discussions – not okay. But it was just different with her. I began to think deeply about the three options and turn them over in my mind.
Finally I said, ‘Okay, I think I’ll go with influence. Influence kinda reminds me of Obasanjo. Power reminds me of GEJ… well, sort of. And, of course, Money reminds me of Dangote. Influence feels like it can control power and money. I don’t know how. It just does.’ She looked impressed and nodded and said, ‘My conclusion exactly. Except-’ She smiled, ‘mine sounds a little smarter’.
In my amused state and just out of curiosity, I asked her, ‘Totally unrelated. But what do you think is the most ridiculously impossible thing a person can do?’ She looked at me like I was a clown and said, ‘You’re in luck. I was thinking about this last night. Now, imagine if a man gets his girlfriend to propose to herself, say yes to her proposal but then get married to him. Ridiculously impossible yeah?’
Yeah.

How ‘He’ Proposed: Toyin
Apparently, Dami thought I was challenging him on the day we met. But I like a man that can think. Which is why I love him.
On the day he proposed, we were at one of his office’s numerous dinners. I hate dinners and he knows. But that particular dinner, he dragged me to. He had to promise me heaven and earth before I agreed.
As we sat on the table making small talk, he suddenly looked at his wrist watch and said, ‘Dammit! I’m supposed to pick Lanre at the airport.’ Then he produced a folded sheet of paper from his pocket and gave me, ‘Honey please, it’s customary that the best employee of the month gives a speech. Looks like I might win it. Well, I was nominated…’ Then he smiled shyly ‘…that was why I really wanted you to come. Anyway, it’s imperative that the person or his representative gives a speech. Please, please, please, help me receive it and give this speech if I get it.’ I was about to protest (of course!) But he winked at me (that’s my mumu button), so I just rolled my eyes and said, ‘Okay. For the first time, I’m actually hoping you don’t win.’
He just kissed me and said, ‘I know you. Promise me you won’t try to practice before they call me up…if they call me up. I’ve heard you read. You sound so much more awesome when you have no idea of what you’re reading. So don’t open it till you get to the stage… if you get to the stage… And record it so I’ll listen to it later. You look so hot, I bet they won’t even be listening to my poorly written speech. And- ’ I stopped him and said, ‘You’re rambling. Bye bye. I’ll make sure I tell people how mean you really are. I love you. You’re just going to waste all that handsomeness at the airport. Say hi to Lanre for me’.
Another kiss. And he raced off.
Sure enough, he won the award. I walked up the stage, opened the paper and set it on the pulpit.

‘Good evening everyone. This is the best employee speaking. (I rolled my eyes. He actually put *laughter* in his script. Sure enough, the crowd laughed). I want to say a great thank you to everyone who has made the working environment friendly enough for me to work in. I also want to use this opportunity to thank my boss for not being as bossy as he deserves to be. (*laughter*). Finally, I’d like to say a big thank you to- (I paused) Toyin. You know how I suddenly became a better worker and colleague in the month of March? That was her. All because of her. (I started feeling uncomfortable. I could not look up at the audience.) Which is why, as I was taking my bath this evening, I was thinking about how my life would be so worthless without her. I love her so much and I really really think I should marry her. I’m bad at speeches; I know. So I just write what I think. Which is weird because if I actually write what I think, I would fill every single document at work with stuff like, ‘I can’t wait for Toyin and I to get married’, ‘Toyin is the hottest the world would ever see’, (at this point, I was whispering. I was shy and emotional in a weird way. It wasn’t until someone screamed from the crowd ‘Go on’, that I knew I was not even talking. I jumped to the next paragraph and continued).
So, yeah, I thank God especially for helping me not write all those stuff on your documents. Oh, and finally, how do I put this? Toyin will you- (I paused. The words blurred before my eyes and I looked up. He was kneeling already in front of the stage with a ring in his hand. Grinning from ear to ear. I swallowed and I didn’t even need to look at the paper to complete the speech) – marry me?’

It was funny because as I was saying yes, I was shaking my head. Shaking my head at his ingenuity. He actually made me ask myself to marry me. And I said yes to myself. And I mean, now I’m getting married to him in two weeks time.
And as he slipped the ring through my finger I just stared at the ridiculous impossibility that is Dami.

Happy birthday Osato!! You’re awesome and amazing!! 😀

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“Toyin & Dami”

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