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On R’s

On Rats

‘My worst experience with rats has to be when I woke up and found that they had eaten underneath my feet. I sat on my bed for about 30 minutes trying to decipher the spiritual and health implications of what had happened.’
‘Mine has to be when I opened my bag in a meeting and a baby rat jumped out. I just had to square my face and go on with the meeting. I cried for like 45 minutes in my car after the meeting’
‘Oh… Mine was when I woke up in the night and the first thing I saw was a curious looking rat peering at me. I didn’t know whether to cry out of fear or out of the realization that my mates are waking up to someone telling them that their morning face is beautiful’ 

Rats are the worst. 🙁 

On Racism

When I saw the white man walk into our office that day, I was curious. I personally escorted him to my boss’s office and winked at my boss to let me sit in for the discussion.

 The white man talked about how he wanted a partnership with my boss. In his words, ‘I have followed your business from when you started in January till now, and I must say that you’re a force to reckon with. I have a lot to bring to the table in terms of partnership. I have foreign contacts and…’

He had not finished when my boss cut him short with a wave of his hand and with the most disgusted looking expression on his face, ‘It’s okay. I don’t want to partner with you. I can’t’ 

Why‘ the poor white guy said. 

My boss’s eyebrows rose in genuine shock as he said, ‘Of course because of the colour of your skin… I mean, if we can call that a colour.’ 
I watched the poor guy wander out of our office and I wondered if anyone would believe his recount of this experience.

On Ransom

It feels bad to say; but I’m enjoying my time with my kidnapper. I’m learning more than I have ever learned in all my life.

Last week, he called me and said, ‘Girl‘ (he always calls me girl) ‘Today, we’re going to learn the art of self-valuation. How much do you think you’re worth?’

‘Huh‘ I replied. 

‘Your ransom‘ he smiled handsomely. ‘We’re reaching out to your people today to demand a ransom. How much do you think you’re worth?’

I said nothing. Then he brought out his blue book and started drawing charts and graphs. He explained to me how self-valuation is very important because no one would see you greater than you see yourself, ‘not even your lady‘ he had said sadly. Then he told me that although money can never truly quantify human life, it doesn’t stop us from trying. According to him, ‘see it as taking a little money from your pricelessness’ 

He went on to teach me factors to consider when valuing yourself monetarily. When he was done, I was so excited I told him to tell my parents to send N500M if they truly loved and valued me. 


On Reproduction

Linda, we’ve dated for a while now but I don’t think we can go on’

‘What? Wai… Wait. Why?’

‘I don’t think I want you for reproduction’

REPRODUCTION?! Excuse me!’

‘Yes na. I do not want to reproduce  some of the traits I see in you; physical and moral. Isn’t that the idea behind reproduction?’

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“On R’s”

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