Misconceptions

The first misconception I had was when I was 16 years old. I had sex and got pregnant basically. It was wrong, scary, humiliating, revealing and a bunch of other adjectives. When I had to pause Ss3 for a compulsory maternity leave (granted by my expulsion from my school), my classmates would post on my Facebook wall: Hail Mary full of grace. The only Grace you are full of is the daughter inside your stomach. 

Or 

Hey, we all miss you at school. Especially the boys. They have all been somehow restless since you left. 

Or 

Mary! I saw you on the street yesterday. OMG! Your tummy is so big! How are you?! Wow! When are you due?! Please message me privately! 

As an aside, I do not understand people who ask others to message them privately. Why don’t you just message me privately?
Anyway, it was due to all these hate that I excommunicated myself from social media. 

I gave birth to a baby boy and he’s 4 years old now. But that misconception was the beginning of other misconceptions in my life. I’ll just make you a list;

1. I began to believe that all men were evil and devious perverts.
2. I believed that single parenting automatically meant that the child had to turn out socially incomplete; somewhat like a nuisance or a burden to the society. 

3. I believed that friends were for young and immature people who really did not understand the way the world worked. 

4. If I ever caught myself happy for whatever reason, I’d feel guilty and scold myself for being so forgetful of my situation. 

5. I went back to school but I did not believe that my future was any brighter than the candle light I used to change my baby’s diapers at night. 

6. I believed that there was no such thing as true love. You only love to the extent of shelter you have received. That is, the more sheltered you have been from pain, the more you think you are capable of loving. 
These, and more, continued to be the principles by which I lived my life and judged my emotions.
Then one day, my son smiled at me. He just stood in front of me and gave me the warmest smile ever. When I asked him what he was smiling at, he said, ‘You, mama’

‘Me?’ I asked. ‘Why?’ 

‘Because you’re a fine girl. That’s why I’m a fine boy’ he said. 

And in that moment, it felt like there was a tangible paradigm shift. My reality changed before my eyes. There I was, complaining about my life and blaming everything I was experiencing on a little event that happened years back. Whereas, I, through that event, had received a gift from God. 

And so from that day, I let the love my son has for me and the love I have for him dictate my conceptions. That way, I was sure I couldn’t miss it